The Esoteric Agenda

I would like to tell you a little story. It's a familiar one, and it lies at the heart of every conspiracy theorists ideology. You see, some scant few eons ago a little puddle monster crawled out of the primordial ooze, took his first breath, and decided that this air stuff was totally bitchin. He rushed back to tell all his puddle monster friends about this amazing discovery, and it's here that something peculiar happened.

Whilst the other puddle monsters where checking out all the weird sights and sounds five of them wandered off together. It was here that they spontaneously developed a complex formal language, the ability to think abstractly, and, along the conspiracy theorists line of thought, probably became Jewish. As they huddled together they began to draft a plan. For you see these crafty little puddle monsters knew that some billions of years later they would evolve into a more complex species with things like thumbs and pinball machines, and they wished from the bottom of their greedy little puddle monster hearts to control it all.

Now here I am untold spans of time later watching “The Esoteric Agenda” on YouTube. At first it seems like just another paranoid wet dream attempting to prove that all major events in history; including all religions, governments, capitalist enterprises, and Progressive Rock albums are a part of some vast conspiracy that's been operating since the beginning of time. A conspiracy so meticulously orchestrated and concealed that only bat shit crazy morons can see through it. But I was wrong.

Was I wrong in the sense that it proved once and for all that the world's history has been interwoven with the machinations of pagan cults? No. The thing is that these documentaries usually manage to make at least one or two points rooted in some vague approximation to reality, but “The Esoteric Agenda” makes statements that are so obviously absurd that you could you sniff them out if you were in another room... and def. So, for you the reader I will go over some of the arguments the film presents.

The first ten minutes.



Assertion

At 4:28 we see a quote by the ancient Mayan prophet Pacal Votan which reads: “If humanity wishes to save itself from biospheric destruction, it must return to living in a natural time.”

The Facts

Actually Pacal Votan never existed. Rather than a fact or rooted historical myth he is actually the invention of a single individual named Jose Arguelles. You can look Arguelles up on Wikipedia if you're curious, but, to state it plainly, his “theories” involving the ancient Mayans are not supported by archeologists, Mayanist scholars, any one with a formal education, as well as ducks and most water fowl.

Now let's try an experiment. Picture yourself as an ancient Mayan. We're talking about a person that existed roughly between 2000 B.C. and 250 A.D. Now picture yourself using even a loose approximation to the term “biospheric destruction.” Sound reasonable? If yes then congratulate yourself with a swift punch to the mouth.


Assertion

Adam Weishaupt dabbled in Satanism, and founded the Illuminati. He also wished to destroy all religion.

The Facts

Weishaupt did indeed found the Illuminati, but the origins of the secret society are far less sinister than one might think. Weishaupts's original intent was to organize political and economic powers to serve the common good. Think of it as something of a masonic charity.

As to allegations of Satanism, Weishaupt actually may have been something of a Deist. Thomas Jefferson quoted him as saying “... no one ever laid a surer foundation for liberty than our grand master, Jesus of Nazareth.” Not exactly what I would call a “Satanist.”

It is true that Weishaupt was against organized religion (i.e. religious organizations acting as or in the place of government), but he was technically Catholic having converted from Judaism. Plus there's the above quote.


Assertion

Anselm Rothschild commissioned Weishaupt to create the Covenant of the Golden Dawn. Rothschild also started the American Revolution.

The Facts

There is no evidence linking either Rothschild or Weishaupt to the Covenant of the Golden Dawn (actually named The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn by the way). The creation of this secret society is attributed to William Robert Woodman, William Wynn Westcott, and Samuel Liddell MacGregor.

Now lets try another experiment. Research the claim that Rothschild was responsible for the Revolutionary War, and attempt to find one source that doesn't entail a dose of reptilians, antisemitism, magic, and possibly ghosts. When you fail to do so punch yourself in the mouth.


Assertion

Sir John Dee was the head of the British secret service agency MI5.

The Facts

Let's do the math. MI5 came into being around 1909. John Dee died in 1608. So the man became the head of MI5 more than 200 hundred years after his death? Pretty prolific. Oh, as a sort of nit picky point I couldn't find any real evidence that John Dee was ever knighted. Just sayin'.


Assertion

Weddings and the wedding ring, circumcision, funerals, baptism, and the Christian cross are all pagan in origin.

The Facts

The problem with this kind of blanket statement is that it implies that paganism is some uniform religion with a set ideology. In fact paganism could be described as any non-Abrahamic religious tradition. This encompasses thousands of different systems of belief spanning over all of human history. The origin of the cross as a Christian religious symbol, however, has nothing to do with pagan practices though the cross itself has been used as a religious symbol by various cultures predating Christianity. Does that statement sound like I'm coping out? Then do your down damn research, and you'll understand what I'm talking about.


Assertion

The Holy Grail filled with wine is actually a representation of the blood flowing from the birth canal during menstruation, and not the blood of Christ.

The Facts

What? The only reference to this I could find is loosely linked to the best selling thriller “The Da Vinci Code.” If I need to elaborate on that then punch yourself in the mouth.


Assertion

The etymology for the word “Israel” is rooted in the Egyptian belief in Isis, Ra, El.

The Facts

To begin with, the word “El” is a generic term for “God.” It is not Egyptian in origin, nor does it specifically refer to the god of Saturn as the video insists. If you're interested in the actual entomology of the word then just click here. By here I mean click the actual word “here,” but not right here. The first time I used “here.” Got it?


Assertion

Ninety percent of Judaism is based around the worship of Saturn.

The Facts

No. The only “evidence” of this that the “documentary” supplies is that the Hebrew day of rest is Saturday. So despite all archeological , historical, written, or verbal evidence to the contrary, Saturday is named after the planet Saturn so Judaism is rooted in the worship of Saturn.


Assertion

The Civil War was manufactured by Anselm Rothschild.

The Facts

Take the above challenge concerning Rothschild, and apply it to this. Rinse, repeat, punch yourself in the mouth.


Assertion

The IRS is not a U.S. government agency, and is in fact controlled by the IMF. Don't believe it? Look at IRS publication 6209.

The Facts

Good God almighty is this a load of crap. The IRS is a bureau of the Department of Treasury. Which, in case you didn't know, is an executive department of the United States Government. Publication 6209 consists of nothing more than various filling codes. The IMF is mentioned, but only in the form of further filling codes for IMF loans. Don't believe me? Click here to download the damn thing.


Assertion

NASA, the CIA, and the FBI were never government agencies. The government simply owns controlling shares in them.

The Facts

False, false, and false again. The CIA was founded in 1947 under the National Security Act. NASA was established in 1958 and is an Executive Branch agency. The FBI (the F standing for Federal for God's sake) is under the department of Justice which also serves as an executive department of the United States government.


Assertion

Social Security numbers are issued by the U.N. through the IMF.

The Facts

Out side of blatant stupidity the confusion over this one may be because the Social Security Administration (you know, the people who hand out social security numbers) is termed as an “independent” government agency. All this means is that the SSA is not a part of the federal executive departments (i.e. not run by any of the executive branches). Say, maybe the DMV is controlled by the U.N. too!


Assertion

From April 1861 to May 1864 Ulysses S. Grant rose from the rank of Private to being the head of the Union army thanks to Illuminati contacts.

The Facts

It is true that Grant rose to power in such a short span of time, but that's not even half the story. After graduating from West Point Grant fought in the Mexican-American war where he was twice promoted for acts of bravery. During peace time Grant was honorably discharged for being drunk on duty, but was later asked to recruit and train volunteers as the Civil War began. From 1891 to 1864 we would lead volunteer forces to major strategic victories in the Battle Belmont, as well as the capture of Forte Donelson and Forte Henry. So it isn't as if this guy was sitting on his hands for three years.

Now let me ask you a question? Does this seem like an awful lot of factual errors for one documentary? Then consider that everything I've said here doesn't even encompasses the first 15 minutes. With so many absurd errors in such a short span of time I can only conclude that the film's maker is either so self obsessed that obvious facts don't matter or else their willfully attempting to mislead. Not to mention I haven't addressed the completely unprovable statements about 2012, astrology, and other magical crap. Of course if you believe that all of history is one grand conspiracy than no amount of facts or reality can change that level of ignorance. All I can do at this point is to say exactly what the kinds of people who follow these things would say; “Think for yourself people!”